On the stuff my anxiety won't let me enjoy

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Have you ever thought about associative memory and how the tiniest things can throw you for a loop, or in my case, go down an anxiety spiral that can last minutes or days? It's an age old tale. Proust wrote about it after eating a madeleine and was suddenly like whoa, major flashback, just from a bite of something seemingly innocuous as cake dipped in tea.

There's a list I keep that's really kind of depressing, but I guess it's better to acknowledge the reality of it and make my peace with it, because the thing is likely to grow longer as I progress in life. Whether you're living with mental illness or you're just an over-thinker, you're going to have to face a lot of things which will forever be marred by the undesired thoughts you associate with them. I'm absolutely positive everyone has that one song that makes you cry/cringe/ponder all your life choices and all the things that could have been when you hear it. On the other hand, there's no doubt in my mind I've ruined some things for other people too.

Here's some random stuff that my anxiety may never allow me to fully enjoy in and of itself:
  • The British indie rock band Peace
  • Dyson vacuum cleaners
  • The phrase "memento mori"
  • Pocari Sweat
  • The 80s British period sitcom Blackadder
  • William Butler Yeats
  • Quentin Tarantino's the Hateful Eight
  • Stars by Future Generations
  • Joe Rogan
  • Party magicians
  • Kalamata olives
Okay, so it sucks that I'll never be able to read that magazine without thinking of that two-night-stand I had two years and a half ago with that one emotionally unavailable dude who just happened to work there. But of course, let's not forget how wonderful it actually is to have been through, to have grown and learned from these things. To have had those experiences. We're all richer for it, to have had someone or something who has touched our lives, to have touched others' lives. In the end, what the hell are we doing and what will fulfill us if not those human connections and life experiences? And it is absolutely possible that the associations we make with these songs and poems and random household items will eventually fade over time, and it won't sting so much anymore. One day, I'll be able to watch a party magician without wanting to crawl up under a rock for a bit.

How do you handle it when that song comes on or you meet someone who just unfortunately happens to have the same name as that girl who ghosted you that one time and you still can't seem to get over it? And if you did eventually get over it, how did you manage to do that? Please share in the comments!

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