On after-the-fact
Today, I was listening to The Weeknd and my face suddenly flushed with hot rage. This is not a usual occurrence as (a) I'm not one to get angry too often, particularly when listening to pop music, and (b) I actually like The Weeknd very much.
Now, I'm aware of how problematic pop music lyrics can be, especially in terms of how they portray women, and I'm usually able to bypass the misogyny of some of Starboy's lyrics to focus on how gosh darn catchy his songs are and let my head bop accordingly. But today, I felt angry upon hearing these simple words from one of my favourite songs of his, Reminder, in which Mr. Tesfaye states, "When I travel 'round the globe, make a couple mil' a show / And I come back to my city, I fuck every girl I know."
So I actually don't even think the lyric is overtly misogynistic; for all we know, he and every girl he knows in his hometown have a certain arrangement, that they just fuck when he's in town and everyone's totally okay with it. I'm all for consenting adults having no-strings-attached sexual intercourse. But my dear friend, Anxiety, couldn't just let it go at that, and the words brought up some feelings, namely, about male privilege, and how it is used to make women uncomfortable, whether the male in question is aware of this or not.
I was reminded of the idea that a man, albeit a man of celebrity/millionaire status, can so casually boast about being so casually able to so casually fuck all these women. (Certain people may want to turn it around and bring up Bodak Yellow at this point, but let's not digress.)
It reminded me of when a guy friend messaged me asking about an old high school friend of mine he saw on Tinder, asking me to introduce her to him. She obviously had not swiped right, but he messaged me to ask anyway. It made me uncomfortable.
Which then reminded me of this same friend (whom, writing this out I'm starting to wonder, should maybe actually be called "friend" with air quotes) who I also happened to date for a hot second 7 years ago, who just recently got out of a relationship, and was all messed up about it, and when I offered to see him, to give him a hug, to make sure he's okay, he told me that what he wanted at that moment would make him be a bad friend to me, and he wanted to be a good friend. This was his thinly veiled way of saying if he sees me, he'd want to have rebound sex, or at the very least proposition me. This also made me uncomfortable.
Not to mention my most recent breakup, in which I ignored all the red flags and when the inevitable breakup happened, my ex proceeded to call me a man-hating, takes-what-she-can-get gold digger. That, of course, made me beyond uncomfortable.
At this point, I could make this about any number of things—about the role my mental health conditions played in all my failed relationships, past to present, about recognising male privilege and how to deal with it, about identifying people with toxic behaviours who you should probably avoid or remove from your life completely. But these are all other posts for other days.
You see, my anxiety spirals go down the rabbit hole pretty quickly, just like anyone else's, but what actually struck me about this one was how I was managing to view and correct my thoughts in retrospect. It's so easy to look back on stuff and cringe and wish a sinkhole would open up and swallow you whole. I often let things that happen in the past affect my mood and emotions in the present, and it takes a lot of mindfulness to not let those undesired thoughts get the better of me. (CBT helps too, of course.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay to feel those feelings, those things that happened in the past, or even some vague abstract concept that is making you particularly and inexplicably more upset than usual that day. Whether it's about male privilege or that scumbag ex or some silly pop song lyric, you can confront those feelings, get angry about them. Hey, it's better than shutting them up in a hole left to rot away at the depths of your soul, am I right? Confronting all your "stuff" is a huge and crucial part of recovery, and it constantly involves correcting thoughts and making peace with all these thoughts and feelings and emotional transgressions after-the-fact.
Recovery is not linear, and it's an ongoing process. I hope you're able to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up or get too upset when you're faced with a blast from the past that you did not at all expect or want to think of. Or better yet, allow yourself to get upset over it, accept it, and move on.
Of course, writing about it on a blog helps as well!
(An aside: Hey, if you didn't want your story to end up as an anecdote on toxic behaviour and male privilege on a wellness blog, well, you shouldn't have dated a writer in the first place. But I'll refrain from any further mention of my tumultuous romantic past [or you know, more likely we'll just swivel on back to the subject in many future posts to come].)
If you have your own way of dealing with this type of after-the-fact emotional baggage, please let me know in the comments!
Now, I'm aware of how problematic pop music lyrics can be, especially in terms of how they portray women, and I'm usually able to bypass the misogyny of some of Starboy's lyrics to focus on how gosh darn catchy his songs are and let my head bop accordingly. But today, I felt angry upon hearing these simple words from one of my favourite songs of his, Reminder, in which Mr. Tesfaye states, "When I travel 'round the globe, make a couple mil' a show / And I come back to my city, I fuck every girl I know."
So I actually don't even think the lyric is overtly misogynistic; for all we know, he and every girl he knows in his hometown have a certain arrangement, that they just fuck when he's in town and everyone's totally okay with it. I'm all for consenting adults having no-strings-attached sexual intercourse. But my dear friend, Anxiety, couldn't just let it go at that, and the words brought up some feelings, namely, about male privilege, and how it is used to make women uncomfortable, whether the male in question is aware of this or not.
I was reminded of the idea that a man, albeit a man of celebrity/millionaire status, can so casually boast about being so casually able to so casually fuck all these women. (Certain people may want to turn it around and bring up Bodak Yellow at this point, but let's not digress.)
It reminded me of when a guy friend messaged me asking about an old high school friend of mine he saw on Tinder, asking me to introduce her to him. She obviously had not swiped right, but he messaged me to ask anyway. It made me uncomfortable.
Which then reminded me of this same friend (whom, writing this out I'm starting to wonder, should maybe actually be called "friend" with air quotes) who I also happened to date for a hot second 7 years ago, who just recently got out of a relationship, and was all messed up about it, and when I offered to see him, to give him a hug, to make sure he's okay, he told me that what he wanted at that moment would make him be a bad friend to me, and he wanted to be a good friend. This was his thinly veiled way of saying if he sees me, he'd want to have rebound sex, or at the very least proposition me. This also made me uncomfortable.
Not to mention my most recent breakup, in which I ignored all the red flags and when the inevitable breakup happened, my ex proceeded to call me a man-hating, takes-what-she-can-get gold digger. That, of course, made me beyond uncomfortable.
At this point, I could make this about any number of things—about the role my mental health conditions played in all my failed relationships, past to present, about recognising male privilege and how to deal with it, about identifying people with toxic behaviours who you should probably avoid or remove from your life completely. But these are all other posts for other days.
You see, my anxiety spirals go down the rabbit hole pretty quickly, just like anyone else's, but what actually struck me about this one was how I was managing to view and correct my thoughts in retrospect. It's so easy to look back on stuff and cringe and wish a sinkhole would open up and swallow you whole. I often let things that happen in the past affect my mood and emotions in the present, and it takes a lot of mindfulness to not let those undesired thoughts get the better of me. (CBT helps too, of course.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay to feel those feelings, those things that happened in the past, or even some vague abstract concept that is making you particularly and inexplicably more upset than usual that day. Whether it's about male privilege or that scumbag ex or some silly pop song lyric, you can confront those feelings, get angry about them. Hey, it's better than shutting them up in a hole left to rot away at the depths of your soul, am I right? Confronting all your "stuff" is a huge and crucial part of recovery, and it constantly involves correcting thoughts and making peace with all these thoughts and feelings and emotional transgressions after-the-fact.
Recovery is not linear, and it's an ongoing process. I hope you're able to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up or get too upset when you're faced with a blast from the past that you did not at all expect or want to think of. Or better yet, allow yourself to get upset over it, accept it, and move on.
Of course, writing about it on a blog helps as well!
(An aside: Hey, if you didn't want your story to end up as an anecdote on toxic behaviour and male privilege on a wellness blog, well, you shouldn't have dated a writer in the first place. But I'll refrain from any further mention of my tumultuous romantic past [or you know, more likely we'll just swivel on back to the subject in many future posts to come].)
If you have your own way of dealing with this type of after-the-fact emotional baggage, please let me know in the comments!
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